I spent years beating myself up because I couldn’t get sober.
I thought I just needed more discipline, more willpower, more grit.
And I felt like a failure.
Every Sunday, I’d wake up with a banging headache, riddled with anxiety, and swearing:
“I’m never drinking again.”
And I meant it.
But by the time Thursday came around, it’s like I had amnesia.
My selective memory conveniently forgot all the negatives, and just focused on the immediate relief of having a drink and “letting off some steam”.
I tricked myself into thinking it wasn’t that bad.
I forgot all the promises I’d made to myself, and the next weekend I’d do it all again.
It took me a long time to understand what was actually going on.
My nervous system was stuck - and until that changed, I would keep falling back into the same grooves, no matter what I changed on the surface.
The moment it clicked for me wasn't in a therapist's office or a recovery meeting.
It was on a yoga mat.
At the beginning of my journey, I'd started running to clear my head, which helped massively.
But it was when I got into yoga, originally just because my hips were locked up, that something deeper started to shift.
I remember the first time I held a pigeon pose (a deep hip opener) for 5 minutes… breathing through the discomfort, and feeling something release that I hadn't even known was locked up. Not just in my hips. Something way deeper than that.
I remember thinking:
“Oh my god…. that's what's been wrong with me for 30 years.”
That was the first time I got a glimpse into the power of the nervous system. I felt lighter, calmer, less tense, full of potential and possibility.
I realised that the tension I carried wasn't just in my head. It was in my body.
And until I started releasing it there, and dropping deeper into nervous system regulation, nothing on the surface was ever going to stick.
The 3 nervous system states you were never taught about
Scientists used to think there were just 2 nervous system states: fight-or-flight, and rest-and-digest.
But Dr Stephen Porges spent decades mapping out the nervous system and found we actually have 3 distinct states.
And the link between them? The Vagus Nerve, the longest of the cranial nerves, running from your brainstem down through your heart, lungs and gut, and the main pathway between your body and your brain's calming centres.
Stimulating the Vagus Nerve is the most effective way to intentionally shift your nervous system state.
And that’s exactly what the tools in the newsletter are designed to do.
Because hey, who doesn’t want to go to Vagus? (sorry) But enough dad jokes (for now at least) - let’s introduce the 3 nervous system states, according to Polyvagal Theory and Dr Stephen Porges’ research:
Ventral Vagal (Safe & Connected)
Calm, present, open. Steady breathing, relaxed jaw, open posture.
This is the state where learning takes place, where real conversation happens and where we can make good decisions.
This is where we feel like our most natural selves, uninhibited by stress, cravings or aversions, and free from our concerns.
Most people who have been stuck in the addictive cycle have lost the ability to access this state frequently or reliably.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight)
Anxious, reactive, restless, searching for an escape or “fix”.
Racing heart, tight chest, shallow breathing.
This is the state where cravings thrive, because you’re so uncomfortable in your own skin that your brain and body just want an escape.
You’re craving a state change, and your brain knows where it can get it quickly and easily (enter your addiction of choice).
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown)
Flat. Numb. Exhausted, but with no obvious reason.
Body feels heavy, slow breathing, sunken posture.
This state gets misread as laziness or depression - but it's actually your body shutting down to protect itself from further overload. Like a computer that’s overheated and needs to reset.
Most people in early sobriety cycle between fight or flight and shutdown constantly, and almost never have access to the safe and connected state.
They’re wired, excitable, or anxious, then they crash and completely shut off from the world.
The safe and connected state starts to seem like a distant memory, and people start to think they’ll never get back there.
Why alcohol makes perfect sense
Alcohol drops you out of sympathetic (fight or flight) fast. Your body knows alcohol works, and it will keep craving it until you give it something that works better.
The craving isn't actually for the drink.
It's for the change in state that it facilitates.
That’s why you can’t “think” your way out of this loop. You can have the best intentions and best plan in the world, but if your nervous system is out of whack, you’ll keep going back to familiar habits, even if they are destructive.
The solution? To give the body better, healthier, more sustainable ways to regulate itself.
3 tools you can try today (backed by science)
Cyclic Sighing
When you get a craving, this means your sympathetic system is lighting up. This is the fastest, scientifically proven way to bring you out of flight or flight and into safe and connected. It’s called Cyclic Sighing. Try this: 1. Take one strong, deep inhale through the nose (filling the lungs to 80%) 2. Take another, short, sharp inhale through the nose (filling the remaining 20%) 3. Take a long, extended, vocal exhale through the mouth (sigh it out)
Repeat this as many times as you need. 3 or 4 times usually does the trick for me. The craving might not vanish immediately but it takes the edge off it, and it creates just enough space for you to make a different choice.
Cold Water
At the end of your regular shower, turn the water to the coldest setting for the last 30 seconds. This will be uncomfortable - you’re putting your body through a short, controlled period of stress and spiking your cortisol and adrenaline.
But what you’re really doing is training your nervous system to stay calm under stress, and not run away.
You're rewiring your brain and nervous system to sit with discomfort, rather than escaping.
Focus on relaxing into it, controlling your breathing by extending the inhales and exhales, slowing everything down.
This strengthens the same circuits in the brain which help you resist cravings, and that’s probably the most powerful pathway you can train in early recovery.
Yin Yoga
Long holds, passive poses, typically two to five minutes each, allow you to get deeper into the fascia and connective tissue, beneath the muscles. This allows for a deep release of tension and sometimes repressed emotions – many people have a good cry in yin yoga. This is good - lean into it and let it out.
Yin Yoga is about slowing down, quieting the mind, and turning our attention to our inner experience.
While you hold the postures, you encourage your nervous system to slow down. The sustained stillness sends a direct signal that you are safe in your body. Your heart rate slows down, your breath gets deeper, and the body shifts out of fight or flight and back towards safe and connected.
This practice is so much more powerful than people think, and it’s been one of the most impactful parts of my whole recovery journey.
The more you practice, the more you strengthen the pathway with your vagus nerve, making it easier to shift state and self-regulate without reaching for something external.
I put together a free 60-minute Yin class specifically for nervous system regulation. No experience needed - just somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed.
Roll out your yoga mat, put your phone on do not disturb, and sink into this 60 min yin yoga class
Ready to go deeper?
I spent the last 6 years experimenting with every tool, framework and approach under the sun, to find the right combination to ensure sustainable, lasting, joyful sobriety. And that’s exactly what I share inside the Shift with Swindells programme.
We spend time understanding the nervous system and experimenting with practices to shift our state - because it’s probably the highest leverage change we can make in our approach to sobriety.
Together, we’ll build your personal nervous system state map, identify exactly what pulls you into flight or flight, and design tools that you’ll actually use to being you back to baseline. All without having to go ‘monk-mode’, and still living the social, creative, fulfilling life you actually want.
No pressure, no sales pitch. Just a genuine chat to see if we’re a good fit.
And even if it's not the right fit, most people leave the call with a clearer picture of what's getting in the way and what to do about it.
Let's grow together 🚀
Kev
P.S. The most common thing I hear on that first call is "I've tried everything". But in reality, most people haven't tried working with the nervous system. In my experience, that’s where things finally start to shift. Try the tools above, and hit reply to let me know how they land for you.
Recovery mentor & conscious lifestyle design coach who's obsessed with positive habit change, personal development and the alcohol-free lifestyle. Subscribe for actionable tools, insights and frameworks to live a more fulfilling life.
